Ramblings

This blog really is just the rantings, ramblings and what not of my own mind. *****Please be aware this blog is listed with the most recent post at the top so reading from top to bottom is a bit like reading a book backwards.

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Location: Anderson, California, United States

I'm a single mother of boy/girl twins. My first born is my cat Princess. I love my life (most of the time). I wake up every morning Grateful to be alive and healthy. Thank You God For Everything!!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Apathy

Dictionary.com defines apathy as:
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

I really considered not typing anything today, but it's hard to take a break from doing nothing. I've tried. When I first signed up for this blogger thingy I though, hey, I could pretend to be a real writer. Now, I'm thinking Wendy was right to want to go home after spending time in Neverland. My brother and I were watching "Step Into Liquid" before I left So Cal. He's a surfer from Santa Cruz (his favorite spot is Steamer's Lane) among other things. There was a line in the movie describing Hollywood's view of surfers, something about wising up to the importance of "hard shoes". My grandpa (mom's dad) had used the expression with me when I quit my Straw Hat Pizza job. He said "There will always be people who don't think you should be doing what you're doing but remember it's always their reasons, not yours." He was a concert pianist in the 1930's and 40's. "Work is Work and you should always take pride in that. Never abandon something just because you don't like it or you'll be lost and in debt your whole life." Someone must have stolen his crystal ball, because I never found it, but he sure had my future pegged. I was lucky enough to pay off all my debt when my grandma (dad's ma) died this last year. Of course, if I don't find a job soon, I'll be right back in it. Fortunately, nobody sees fit to give me a credit card or loan, so I can't go too far down.

I remember the first time I heard "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann. It was like a light bulb going off above my head.
My (first) fiance had dumped me just before I found out he'd been cheating on me. I had a miscarriage. I had just moved to Eureka after, what I felt was failing at life. My family ended up with a huge new skeleton in its collective closet. It was the first time I'd ever moved anywhere where I didn't know anyone. I didn't have a job and I didn't know if I was going to be able to find one. I was 26 years old. Not only did I not know what I wanted to do with my life, but I thought that every dream I had grown up with of what I wanted to be (when I grew up) was never ever going to happen. A friend introduced me to this Sunscreen piece and the clouds parted, the sun shown down...."I can see clearly now the rain has gone".....and in Humboldt if you could imagine. I just went online to get the lyrics. I thought I would reprint them for you, but it's four pages, I think not. You can look it up if you want. I will reprint three parts to bring us back to where I was trying to go however.

....don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.......Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't......Maybe you'll Marry, maybe you won't; maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary, whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either- your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's......

Apathy, to me, is an emotion that happens when the world and its problems seem so much more humungous than me and my problems....who am I to complain about my dreams not being fulfilled when there is so much greed and war and starvation? I can't do anything about anything, none of this matters. In essence, I don't matter. That's the way I started to feel about this blog, none of this matters. In truth, having people read stuff that I wrote has always been a dream of mine since I was in the 2nd grade. I wanted to write for Halmark. Then in 4th grade, I wanted to write a book like Shel Silverstein or Dr. Seuss. I figured I could be a writer and still be a mommy. Well I'm pretty sure at this point, I'll never be a mommy, but I could still be a writer, here if nowhere else. If this blog is here, people can find it and if they can find it, they could read it. Dream accomplished, easy as pie. I don't mean to stray but I've never understood that saying. I always burn pie.

Anyway, here's one of the last poems I wrote. I'll warn you. It's the longest poem I ever wrote and unlike most of my stuff, it doesn't have much rhyme in it. There is also a curse word or two in it. Sorry if it offends, but it works for me. Most of my friends like it because of the movie references and because "it sound just like" me.

The title is "Me, Anyways...."

I can't find my keys
Did I hand them to you?
I tend to misplace them a lot,
will you help me find them?

Anyway, let's start at the beginning.....
I used to play the saxophone.
I bet you didn't know that about me,
but there's a lot you don't know,
yet.
Although we've already discussed how
sometimes I get lost in thought,
and how unfamiliar that territory can be,
it seems almost, for both of us.
In new relationships, there is so much dirt to remove.
Though I know, somehow, the treasure is there.
Actually, your eyes confided in me
when you weren't looking.
Eyes can be like a best friend
betraying you
until something good comes of it.

Anyway, back to the beginning.....
You know, that place you make people go
to start again, when it seems they're too close to winning?

My dad used to say
"The world is a cold cruel place."
and mom never let me go outside
without my jacket
(lest I catch my death).
But Richard Bach wrote,
"Walls don't protect you, they isolate you."
I chose to believe him instead,
the silly ideal's of a child.
Now I'm freezing 'cause I lent my jacket,
my protection from the cold.
I dreamed of thawing out in the mild winters of Tahiti
but with my luck, I'd get lost on my way there.
Probably somewhere near the Bermuda Triangle.
I tend to do that, you know,
hand my self to him,
losing myself completely.
I've lost countless jackets that way.
It's not very cost effective, I almost went broke.
But I find when I let him freeze instead,
he never quite warms up to me.

Anyway, back to the beginning....
You know, that place you go
to start again
once you've won
(sore loser).

It's funny how I play this game.
I know where the start is
as my mind races ahead to the end
before I've begun
and distracts me from paying attention
as to how or when I got there, the end that is.

NOT FAIR, DO OVER!
WHY NOT?
BUT YOU CHEATED TO WIN...FUCK YOU!
I QUIT, I'M GOING HOME!

Anyway, back to the beginning....
You know, that place you go
when it's agreed that the game is over
but neither of you want to stop playing,
yet.

Which reminds me, as I was saying earlier,
there's a lot you don't know about me.... yet,
though you seem interested in the discovery
of it all
as do I.

And always remember:
You need both sides of the headpiece so you know how high to make the staff, otherwise you'll be digging in the wrong place for the treasure, and don't mind the snakes, sorry 'bout that. Also be on the look out for that other guy who likes to go to great lengths to steal what you have worked so hard for (damn Nazi!!).
...Oh, I almost forgot, dates can be poisonous so test them with the monkey first.

So much dirt to remove.
It's a dirty job and few are willing to do it.

Afterwards, don't drop the soap in the shower....
....oops!....
....and while you're back there,
can you wash between my shoulder blades?
The more I touch myself, alone,
the more places I find I cannot reach, alone.

By the way,
Do you know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
-Be Careful-
Think a moment before you answer,
the chasm is deep.
I should know,
I've been tossed down there before.

THE END

Did you get all of the references? The obvious ones are "M.P. Search For The Holy Grail" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark". Snakes being those little habits of ours that other people find annoying (or something like that) and the monkey being the way we behave on a first date due to our (sometimes) unrealistic fear of being "shot down" or mentally poisoned into believing we aren't good enough the way we are. The one everyone seems to miss is the "Adam's Family". Probably because just mentioning the "Bermuda Triangle" isn't enough for people to get what I was thinking about at the time. Uncle Fester had a falling out with his brother over the Amour twins where he ran off and got lost in the Bermuda Triangle, ending up forgetting who he was for 25 years.
Anyway, enough for today.

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