I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!!

I have no idea why I chose that title. It just seemed appropriate some how. I made another big sale today so I'm feeling pretty happy, maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know. I've been picking quotes out of this quote book called "Quotable Women". My favorite one so far is a quote by Mignon McLaughin "Our Strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show." I don't know how that fits into today's title either, I guess I'm feeling really random or ungrounded today, whatever. The corn I planted a few months ago didn't mature correctly so no corn for me. My pumpkins aren't doing well either. My sunflowers were doing great but it's been so windy 'round here lately that most of my sunflowers have blown over. It's clearly fall here too. Something I'm not used to. It's been in the high 30's/low 40's at night and around 80 during the day. Maybe the reason I'm feeling a little off is because I haven't had a cigarette in a few hours. I ran out and I don't want to drive for a hour in the dark to go get more. It's not like this is a conscience effort to quit, it's just that I'm out of them and I'm starting to almost get the shakes thinking about it. Times like this I wonder why I even started in the first place, why would anyone smoke? I wrote a poem about smoking my senior year. Back then, I hadn't started smoking cigarettes yet, I was just occationally smoking cloves.
Take a drag
hold it in
see the room
start to spin

Head rush
power hit
lungs burn
what a trip

Killing yourself
slowly dying
catch yourself
self denying

I'm not hooked
is what you say
take a drag
you're blown away

I have quit smoking in the past. I quit for just under a year. When I first quit, a smoker friend of mine pointed out the simple fact of cigarette addiction and the truth about quitting.... you never know if you have truly quit smoking forever until you die and you didn't have another one. Which in a way is kinda true. Like myself, who has quit about 5 times total, most of the people I know or have known who tried to quit, did so several times in their life time. You just never know which time will be the last time you quit. My dad's dad died from lung cancer due to smoking. It was horrible to watch. And yet this great rationalization computer I call my brain, just keeps justifying the addiction. Maybe I will quit. Lord knows I could stand to save the over $1,3oo a year I spend feeding my addiction, not to mention my own life. They say if you can make it past the first three days you're home free. My experience says the first week is nearly impossible and the first month is torture. Basically I end up feeling like the chimpanzee in the movie "Project X" for at least the first 30 days. Then I end up feeling like your basic American house wife saying "no" to desert when she's feeling guilty about putting on a few pounds. Then somewhere around month 6,7 or 8, I'm tricked into feeling "normal". And so far, sometime around then, something hits the fan and I don't care about it anymore and start smoking again. Last time, my fiance dumped me. Of course the biggest down side to quitting right now is that this guy I've been seeing the past month has been bugging me to quit, if I quit right now, he might think he has something to do with it, when I've simply run out.