Moods

Right now I'm listening to a mix on Windows Media Player of Evanescence, HIM and Linkin Park and it's so loud in my head set I'll be very surprised if I can hear anything ever again. Right now it's "Bring Me To Life" the last song was "Numb".... if this gives you any indication. I've never been very good at writing while listening to music. In fact, I've never been good at doing much of anything while listening to music because I end up getting distracted by the words in the song. Some people seem to turn on music for background noise, I never understood this. Totally incomprihesible to me. Already, three songs have passed and I've barely written anything.... it's all consuming. I think one of my favorite things to do is to put on "driving" music. You know, music that almost seems to push the speed up all by itself regardless of driving conditions. The sterio cranked up so loud that you can't hear your own voice even though you're screaming along to the words.
Moods and/or states of mind seem so fickle and full of whim. It's almost as if my emotions are completely separate from me. As if my emotions were a separate person casually flicking through emotions like a guy with a remote control and 600 chanels of nothing on.
When I started this blog, I decided not to give the web address to my mom so I could feel free to write anything and not be thinking in the back of my head wether this would worry or embarrass her (too much). Then I got this new web site www.myspace.com/nrgxtc and to do anything cool, you need to know how to do HTML, which I don't. At least I didn't. I figured out how to put a web link inside the text, which to anyone who knows how to do HTML, they know it's small potatos. I, of course, was very pleased with myself. One of the saddest things in the world, according to me, is when you have done something very big and there is no one to show or share it with who would understand what a great achivement you have made. I called everyone I knew would and the only two people home were my brother in So Cal and my mom in Nor Cal. I blurted out my big secret and now she knows... cover blown. I guess that means no porn on Myspace... just kidding.
I'm so sorry, but the music is keeping me from holding any real thread:

"Beyond Redemption - HIM"

Oh I see you crawl you can barely walk

With arms wide open you keep on begging for more

I've been there before knocking on the same door

It's when hate turns to love and love to hate

Faith to doubt and doubt to faith

Now

Feel it turning your heart into stone

Feel it piercing your courageous soul

Beyond now - redemption

No one's gonna catch you when you fall

Anyway, my mood has been bouncing all over the place this last week. I made another sale, Happy. Started myspace, happy. Couldn't figure out HTML, frustrated. Figured out something small and simple, ecstatic. Told my mom, Doh! Meeting new friends online, cool. Not meeting anyone in real reality, bummed. Have an appointment with a new client tomorrow, nervous. Obsessing about my non relationship, stupid.... and that's just Monday and Tuesday.

Back in the day when I was a moody teenager, I discovered RSI (Religious Science International at http://rsintl.org/ if you're curious) I was taught tools to help. One of them was comming up with a healthy montra to replace the moter mind that rambles endlessly like unfocused uncontrolable back ground noise. Don't laugh, mine became "You're so cool" a quote from the movie "True Romance" (the title of the movie comes from the lead male killing the lead female's pimp in the begining of the movie, so it's not for the faint of heart). What shocked me was when people started saying it out loud back to me at the most random times. "You're so cool". I mean, I never told anyone my montra, I never wrote it down, I just said it over and over and over and.... inside my head.

I haven't said my montra for years, I mean, I'm all grown up now, not some confused teenager. When do we ever grow up? I understand we lose some of our child like naiveness, but when do we become a "grown up"? I have responsibility. I have my own place a two hour drive from my parents house. I pay bills. I sort of have a job. I wash my own dishes/clothes. For some reason, I still feel like I'm 16 or 17 most of the time. I still worry about boys, friends, what I can and can't do, what I have to do.... sure it's not home work or curfew, but it's like.... same shit, different day. When does this feeling stop and become something else? Something more together, more grown up? I found myself walking down the highway into town chanting "You're so cool". After about a mile, it dawned on me I was doing it and I couldn't help wonder were it came from.

"You're so cool...You're so cool... You're so cool... You're so cool..."

"By Myself - Linkin Park"

What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?

And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

Do I sit here and try to stand it?

Or do I try to catch them red-handed?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin

I make the right moves but I'm lost within

I put on my daily facade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

By myself [myself][x2]

I ask why, but in my mindI find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus:]

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take inI can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I

Turn my back I’m defenseless

And to go blindly seems senseless

If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll

Take from me ‘till everything is gone

If I let them go I’ll be outdone

But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun

If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer

by myself [myself][x2]

I ask why, but in my mindI find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus]

How do you think I’ve lost so much

I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch

How do you expect...

I will know what to do

When all I know

Is what you tell me to[x2]

Don’t you knowI can’t tell you how to make it go

No matter what I do,

how hard I tryI can’t seem to convince myself whyI’m stuck on the outside

[Chorus x2]