Sheep

it is late
should go to bed
can't seem to find
my quiet head
space is all wrong
for me to sleep
nothing left but
sheep
sheep
sheep

In the SCA, there's a Scottish bag pipe song we've put words to... maybe someone else did it first, but it's definitely enjoyed loudly at SCA events once the beer's nearly run out. I don't know the name of the tune, but when I worked at the cemetery in Eureka, I heard the bag pipes play that song a lot at funerals, so.....here goes...

I need a lover mother
no, not me brother mother
(Chorus) I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night
(this next part varies from encampment to encampment)
rats, bats and other critters
they just give me the shivers
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night
to keep me warm through the night
oh mother
warm through the night
oh mother
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night....

So why have sunk so low as to include sheep humor? Tonight, for whatever reason, I miss going to SCA events. I miss the friends, fun, fighting, .......(and insert other F words here, if you like).......
Ever since I watched the movie "Sideways" I've been in this black cloud funk. I've tried all I know to end it, but alas, I guess it must run its course. I cut about 6 inches of hair off today to help combat the heat of summer. I started posting on a message board to try an broaden my interactive possibilities. I even went swimming. Nothing's worked thus far.

Any Ideas?

Special Day

I just finished watching the movie "Sideways"..... a complete waste of time if you ask me. There was one gem in the whole movie. One of the main characters was saving a great bottle of wine for a "special occasion". The thing about good wine is that it has an unset peak date. Meaning that if you drink it too soon, it won't taste as good as it could, drink it too late, on the other hand, and it starts to turn into vinegar. The woman that this character is interested in points out her belief that the day he opens the wine is the special occasion in and of itself. Some days I feel past my peak point, like today, but other days I feel like I'm waiting, holding out for something special to happen before I consider opening myself up. What I should be realizing, at this point, is that any day I choose to open myself up, is the special occasion I'm waiting for.
I rented and watched 10 movies over the course of two nights. Another movie I rented was "Be Cool" the sequel to "Get Shorty". I thought it was much better than the first. Watching Mr. Travolta Dance is always a treat and never fails to put a smile on my face. I loved him in "Michael" ....one smooth Fother Mucker. It got me thinking how much I have enjoyed going out dancing. I haven't done it in eight years, but I remember having a great time. I never really considered myself a shy person, I always liked to hide in the middle of the room, so to speak. But I remember how strange it was the first time I went to the movie theater by myself. I thought it was a great accomplishment. I've since moved on to doing other things by myself too like going to "Vulgarthon 2005" by myself. I guess I still have a ways to go, though, before I work up the courage to go to a club by myself. Maybe that's why I now live at least a four hour drive away from a decent club. Maybe not.
Carpe Diem!!

Mind Walk

There was a great movie that came out many years ago called "Mind Walk". The movie defines a mind walk as one of those conversations you have with friends or strangers where you're so engaged with where the conversation is going to take you that you loose all reference for time, or something like that. Anyway, remember I mentioned Jimmy in a previous post? The friend from high school? The other night, we went on a mind walk together. It all started innocent enough. He had a date with a woman the other night and when the date ended, she gave him an innocent kiss good night. Well, it inspired him. He wrote a poem and wanted to read it to me to see what I thought before he gave it to her. After he finished reading the poem, I was stunned. If only I could ever inspire one sixteenth of what he wrote, I would feel like a Goddess for the rest of my life. I remember Jimmy being a bit of a genius in high school but this poem was the best I had ever heard, and I hardly ever like anyone else's work but mine. I made one comment on a line somewhere near the middle of the poem and off we went on a mind walk. It seems he always liked writing but never felt it was any good so he never shared it with anyone. Quite the opposite of me actually. I always thought mine was great but I was always afraid nobody else would think so, like an open book, begging to be read. Once on the same wave length, Jimmy and I were off and running. He read more of his stuff, I read more of my stuff... and tonight, still going over the conversation in my head, I wrote a poem for the first time in about eight months. It's still in the rough draft, and it borrows from some of Jimmy's ideas about Gods and Goddesses, so maybe I'll get it posted here after I talk with him and get his impute.
At one point in the conversation, I told Jimmy how I felt. I felt like a potted plant sitting unnoticed in the corner of the room where no one remembered to water it and talking about things and ideas with him was as delicious to my ears and mind as someone watering me. We talked for about 3 hours before hanging up and I'm still thirsty. I used to have long conversations with friends at Cafe Max in Chico (CA) and then again at Humboldt Bay Coffee Co. in Eureka (CA) over cups of coffee, cigarettes and games of chess. I haven't even played a game of chess in so long it's hard to believe I was ever in a chess club (Chico Chess Hoes, our motto was that we'd do just about anything for a game of chess). It's probably been as long since I've had a mind walk type of conversation and I miss it.

"...hold lose the reigns of power..." (Jimmy) "...One kiss, my universe aligned..."

Herbalife

I made my first sale today! That first sale is always the hump between nervous/scared and excitement/success. It was one of the smaller items, a box of "LiftOff" energy drink, but I made money and a new friend and that is what counts in the end when you're trying to start your own business. I was out until three am last night giving free samples and talking to people who work the grave yard shift. So far no call backs for product purchases, yet. I also have a few web sites through Herbal life now, so I could end up getting leads that way too. This is all so much more exciting than my previous endeavors (see Home Business post). Here are my websites if you want to take a peek.

For Herbalife Product Purchases:
http://www.dietdiet.com/shop/?id=1740722
For Diet Inquiry:
http://www.dietdiet.com/?id=1740722
For Business recruiting:
http://www.athomebusiness.com/?id=1740722
For New Beverage, LiftOff, Survey:
http://www.dietdiet.com/liftoff/?id=1740722

For the first time in forever I feel very optimistic about becoming successful. I feel as if I have been given a second (third or fourth) chance to really accomplish something for myself. I can't believe I have been doing this for only 10 days and I already have made supervisor status with "down line", lost 7 pounds of weight, 1 inch off my waist and made my first sale! Nothing has ever gone so smoothly for me before.... seamless. Not only can I breath easier because I got over the hump of making my first sale, but I finally fit into my size 40's without having to undo the button! It seems weird to me that after all of these years of reading those work-at-home testimonials I am finally writing one of my own. I never saw myself as the type to be so loyal or happy that I would voluntarily make such grand statements. Plus, I always thought those people got paid to say whatever it was they were saying.
I don't want to turn this blog into one long testimonial so I'll limit myself with one more entry about it. In VSM and in Herbalife, they say at least half your business is built on your first month's story, so I'll blog my first month's story and leave it at that, returning to more of what I have rambled on about in the past including more poetry and questions about life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Song Lyrics

When I was a kid in High School, instead of taking notes or staring off into space, I would write song lyrics in patterns and circles all over my "note" pages. I figured it would look like I was paying attention or at least keeping busy so I could stay out of trouble. Anyway, I decided to give you some of my favorite song lyrics. None of the songs are in their full form and I don't know the title/singer/songwriter of all of them. Maybe you can guess.

I have a dream of my own and it's mine and mine alone
It's been my dream since I was just a girl
It has a life, it has a heart, it has a soul and it's a part
Of everything this woman gives the world
And it's a big dream, big enough to share
Like a rainbow hanging in the air
And I thank God for makin' it come true
Makes me think maybe, God's a woman too
There is a full moon tonight and I'm bathing in its light
Naked as the day that I was born
There is no shame beneath this sky, I have kissed the past goodbye
And mended up my broken heart so torn
With a sweet sound, that only I can make
And it gets stronger with every breath I take
And it's all apart of makin' me feel new
Makes me think maybe, God's a woman too
Makes me think maybe God's a woman too

....so what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall.
so what happens now? Take your picture off another wall.
where am I going to? You'll get by you always have before.
...don't ask anymore...

I want somebody to share, share the rest the rest of my life
Share my inner most thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side, and give me support
And in return (s)he'll get my support
(s)he will listen to me, when I want to speak about the world we live in, and life in general
Though my views maybe wrong, they may even be perverted, (s)he'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted to my way of thinking, in fact (s)he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all (s)he will understand me...love
I want somebody who cares, for me passionately, with every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest, I will almost like
I don't want to be tied, to anyone's strings, I'm carefully trying to stay clear of those things
But when I'm asleep, I want somebody who will put there arms around me
Kiss me tenderly

show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream (s)he said
the one that makes me laugh (s)he said, threw (her) his arms around my neck
show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you
...'cause you're just like heaven

Yes I see the wave come and crash into me, crash into me baby...I'm king of the castle
you're a dirty rascal, crash into me ah ya

If I could say what I wanna say, I'd say I wanna blow you away
Be with you every night, am I squeezing you too tight
If I could see what I wanna see, I wanna see you go down
On one knee, marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away, with these things I'll never say

...took my 20 dollar bill and it vanished in the air
I set out runnin' but I take my time
Friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

Summer Time In The Mountains

I've spent many summers up in the mountains all over California. I was at Camp McCumber (near Shingletown) for 4-H camp (1 year) and YMCA camp (10 years). I went to Camp Sierra(near Shaver Lake,15 years), Camp Loma Mar (near Pescadero, 14 years) and afew other names I can't remember for RSI Youth Seminar. Plus all those camping trips with my family. In other words, I'm pretty used to time spent in the mountains during summer. For some reason or another, maybe that's part of my interest for moving to the mountains in the first place. I'm definitely sure my good times at Camp Loma Mar had me wanting to spend more time in the redwoods, there by leading me to move to Humboldt County. Anyway, all of this previous experience might have been for naught as I sit here completely amazed that it is July in the northern hemisphere and 51 degrees fahrenheit outside. I remember singing around the camp fire at YMCA camp and pretty happy to have a fire. I remember that shorts and a jacket were always a must to have, but somehow this slipped my mind as a permanent living situation. I've never lived anywhere that was 80 plus degrees during the day and 50 degrees at night and everyone keeps telling me what a mild summer we're having! I'm definitely glad I ordered the heating oil after all, seeing as how I don't have a fire place. Not that it's very safe to build fires around here during the summer. So far we've had two (minor for the rest of the world, major for us) forest fires and the fire season hasn't really even gotten underway yet.
Camp was great for me. As a kid camper and a camp counselor I could tell it wasn't something for everyone but I still think every kid should do it at least once in their life just to make sure. As for me, I couldn't get enough. The bad Food, staying up way too late, getting up way too early, the lame hikes, pesky mosquitos, trying to figure out how to get a hot shower, it was all some how worth it. I Loved the dumb songs, the cheesy arts and crafts, the lame pranks, the gossip, the people I've met (most good, some bad) and especially the stories I could tell for a life time.
Of course one thing has changed to ruin some of that, two words, American Pie. That movie ruined any future chance of ever telling a camp story ever again. I did play an instrument in school but I never went to band camp and, although nearly every time I have told a story, they didn't start with, "this one time at ____ camp", the movie still ruins it for me. If I am even reminded of anecdotal story while in the company of others, I end up hearing that voice in my head and stop myself. Nobody wants to be compared to a "band geek". By the way, if the origins of the word "geek" was the guy who bites heads off of live chickens, would a "band geek" be some one like Ozzy Ozborn?
Life in the mountains at camp or camping was always a time to get away from things and just relax. You had plenty of time to worry about the things you left behind when you got back at the end of the week. Now that I've chosen to move to the mountains, what does that say about how I feel about my life? Maybe nothing. Could just be a coincidence.
Here is a "poem" I wrote during RSI Winter '98 Camp during quiet time. I use the term poem lightly because before this poem it seemed as though the free verse form of writing poetry was really just an excuse for bad grammar and punctuation. I still like it though. Probably because it's one of my own.

Winter

The gathering of the year

not to miss

and yet, I wasn't invited

I never am although

I try to ask

They're unsettled by the fact that

I left them

and lost touch

We had a falling out

when they found out

I was leaving and trying to take

only afew of them with me

not a mutiny

more of a "separation of powers"

but they all wanted to go.

When they stick together

they're stronger than me.

I know that now.

That's why they've all disappeared.

I'm empty without them.

Now, I'm on the outside

trying desperately to look in

but it's too dim in there

I can't tell who's who anymore...

I close my eyes and for a moment

I remember what it was like to be with them

surrounded and moved

Fearlovehatejoyblissjudgementcalmcenteredknowingness

powerfulmovingdepressedabyss

ahhhh yes

I remember why I left them

Peering back in

the gathering is over

and the room is left as empty and silent as my soul

Suddenly, I heard a stirring noise in the darkness.

There, by the streetlight, was one of them.

I think it was Love,

I couldn't tell exactly

too far away...

too misty...

but still, I could feel it look straight at me

and calmly tip its hat "good night"

before disappearing into the ally

Oh well, maybe next year.

Life-N-Stuff

There was a title of an ER (the television show) episode once called "Man Plans, God Laughs". I thought that was so appropriate for the title of my life these las few years. I always wanted the white picket fence, 2 kids, 2 cars and a dog life style. Never happened. Oh well. My life is going pretty good now that I've gotten over my old dreams and made new ones. I did end up starting with Herbalife. So far I have lost a pound a day. On this schedule, I should lose this twenty pound tire around my waist before the end of the month. I am very excited.
When I moved back up to Nor Cal, I did want to live close to my mom. Close enough for visits but not close enough to pick up her mail when she's on Vacation. While I have met a lot of nice people here, there aren't many to choose from in my age category so I fell back on an old standard. I contacted people I knew from High School (14 years ago). I used to hang out with this guy, Jimmy, and half a dozen other people in high school. We had a lot of fun. You know what I've discovered? You can't go back, life only wants to move forward. Jimmy, has two beautiful small children and an ex-wife (who he bitches about constantly when out of earshot of his children). In fact, after running down the list of people from High School. I'm in an impossibly small minority who didn't get married, have children and/or divorce. The fact that I have two exfiances, no children, and no big career to blame not having the first two correct, makes me almost feel like an outsider when I hang out with Jimmy now.
I always liked the idea of Destiny. I guess I was never one to fully embrace responsibility even though I always handled responsibility well. I just never wanted to have to. Destiny can make it all seem like you had no choice. Like Feminism. When I was younger I used to be pissed off at feminist. Maybe I like children and not having a job. Maybe I like having doors opened for me. Maybe I like having guys pay for dinner.... What's so wrong with that? Why did they have to go and screw everything up for me. Couldn't they wait another hundred years? What I found out was that I Love the idea of marring because I want to, not because I have to. I Love getting paid the same as men and perhaps, most importantly, I Love being able to have the same rights as men including voting. It's weird to me to think that black men got the right to vote before any women did (not because I don't like them it just seems that our forefathers weren't too impressed) and American Indians got the right to vote after everyone else. It says a lot about where society believed the rational, thinking , informed brains were located on the sliding social scale. Now just about anyone can vote and look where it got us! G. W. jr.
They say, history repeats itself. I'm still not quite sure who "they" are but I think "they" hang out with "them". Anyway, if history does repeat itself, does that mean the American Empire will fall like all other empires before it? Will America still exist, if that happens, like England or will America go the way of the Turks and Romans? And where does my life and happiness fit into the big picture? The middle? The end? The new beginning? Why can't I just go to work, pay my taxes and eat fast food like everyone else? Why am I always struggling for something bigger like an understanding of how this whole life thing is supposed to function properly?
Got Milk?