My Day

My day today was good. Yesterday was good too. So was the day before. They've all been pretty consistent the last three days. My children wake up one at a time and at a reasonable hour, like 7 or 8 am. Since they wake up one at a time, I get a chance to hold, feed, coo, play, etc. and have generally good one on one time with each of my twins. This morning, it was Drew first. Yesterday, it was Syd. My day is filled with eat, heat up bottles, change diapers, general infant sight/sound/touch stimulation, naps and when I get around to it, showering and general house hold chores. There is "tummy time", reading books, playing with their Lamaze rattles and mirrors, all kinds of stuff to do and see. Sometimes I think their favorite thing to watch is either the blank ceiling or the ceiling fan. The three of us have a good time but when it's just one awake, one asleep, we have a great time. Then, night. I can't tell you what it is. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not aware of how tired I am because I have enjoyed my day. Maybe it's something medical. Could be the weather (as my neighbor suggested) or a full moon sort of thing. Sometime after the seven-ish PM feeding, all bets are off. Today, for example, we went for a one and a half mile walk. Followed by sitting in their bouncies while I read Energy Ecstasy (by Bernard Gunther) and The Book Of Secrets (by Deepak Chopra) aloud for about an hour and a half while I moved the bouncies tapping my foot the whole time. Afew minutes after ten PM and I decide it's time to wash bottles and actually get something done (like brush my hair and feed the cat). Basically, today from about 6pm to now, they've either been perpetually on the verge of crying or just plain crying. I know what you are going to say, because it's the first thing people tell me whenever they see my babies crying and the answer is, no, they are not hungry. Or if they are hungry, it's the sort of "I've got the munchies" hunger, not the "I'm so hungry I could eat my siblings leg off" hunger. I feed them every 3 1/2 to 4 hours. At 3 hours, Syd still manages to burp up an awful lot of the previous meal sometimes so I figure it takes longer to digest 6 oz of baby formula than 3 hours. Also, Syd has a habit of stopping the tears long enough, just to down a bottle of formula before continuing on with her afternoon/evening cry sessions. In fact, I must give people a look without even knowing it because this lady who always seems to go grocery shopping when I do made a comment the other day to Syd about her just not being a "happy camper" then turned to me and said "I know, I know... she's not hungry she's just unhappy". I laughed. My neighbor/landlord came over last night. Both babies going off. She asked if I'd tried this, that, and the other thing because it worked with her kid. I shrugged. After about 4 hours of doing all the tricks to fight back their tears, I was done trying and quite honestly didn't care. They were fed, they were changed, they had the mobile going over the crib, it's 11:30 at night, I'm done. Within minutes, she had them both quiet and smiling. Dee, my landlord, looks at me as if she has accomplished the impossible and says "see, what'd I tell you? I'm tellin' you, it works." Once again I shrugged. The second she left, they were back on at full volume and I went to bed. I'm not exactly sure when they went to sleep. I do know we overslept today... it was blissful. We had a good day today.... and now, as I write, they are behind me... still crying. Although this time, it might be hunger, their four hours are almost up. And so are mine.

Hindsight is 20/20

Sometimes I look at my life as it is right at this very second and I fall under the belief that I have been walking around with my head up my ass for at least 20 years. I'm not sure what to say or do about it, but these fleeting moments are usually followed by a flood of tears instead of a strong resolve. I'm beginning to believe I have little to no faith in my own ability to change. Yet, I see how I have changed, little by little over the years. Such contradictions inside ones own mind are enought to make you wonder if it isn't the cause of all the worlds problems.

FUNNY BREAK:
or at least I thought it was funny. My friend Sue's signature on the twins chat board is something like "some people are like slinkys.... they seem to have no real purpose but it's still fun to push them down the stairs."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Who cares, your mom is a ho

Chitchat

Dictionary.com defines chit as a few things but this is what I'm used to it referring to:

chit2 (cht) Pronunciation Key
n.
A child.
A saucy girl or young woman

Interestingly enough, the term apparently comes from the hindi word "cit" (pronounced the same way as chit) which means "pure consciousness". You know those Brits though, tomato, tomato (I guess this analogy doesn't work in writing. oh well, I hope you know what I mean).

Chitchat is defined as:
n.
Casual conversation; small talk.
Gossip

Sorry if you were hoping for gossip, you might want to save yourself the time and move on to another blog.

I was talking with one of my MySpace friends to day, Darrell, he lives in England. I also started reading another "romance" novel.... which is to say, totally unoriginal smut. This one is called "An Invitation To Sin". It has the usual stuff. Set in London with the "season", parties, people with titles of nobility and what that means they can and can't do, including but not limited to total smut. The guy in the book keeps calling all of these fauning women of age "chits". Not an unusual term to be used when the guy is a "rake" from the London ton. Suddenly it occurs to me "chit" must have something to do with "chitchat" and as usual, I'm off to the dictionary to uncover the truth. Something I already knew... I was right. Although it's hard to lay claim to being right about something when the only two people you have to brag to just turned two months old yesterday. I hate to admit it, but as much as I love them and as totally wonderful my two kids are, my cat still has more personality than they do. In my children's defence, they are getting cooler by the day. They can finally track movement now, can roll over on to their backs and even occasionally make a noise that isn't crying. My son likes to make faces with his mouth and my daughter likes to make faces with her eyes/eyebrows.... but I digress...

I used to laugh whenever I heard the term "bastard". Like in this day and age, the worst you can come up with is "Hey, you're parents were unmarried when you were born, HAHAHAHA" or "Hey, you fatherless person". Personally, I think the only reason it's still considered a curse word is out of habit. My own impropriety aside, or even that of the woman who gave birth to me before giving me away, does anyone really sit around frowning at children who are born outside the confines of wedded bliss anymore?

The older I get the less I know but the more I understand. I read books like the one I'm reading or see a movie, whatever, that takes me back to a time when women had to struggle to prove they were worth more than their station in life, and more than their birth bearing hips. I wonder which character I would have been. Ten minutes dressed in garb in the SCA and you understand why women were thought to be utterly useless for the better part of nine thousand years. You can barely sit down and get up in a bodice let alone tie your shoes. Fainting couches weren't just for women with a penchance for melodrama, sometimes you truely just can't breath in those stupid things. So why wear them? OMG. The first time I put on a bodice, I was ready to yank the whole thing off in less than 5 minutes untill I turned around and saw 4 or 5 guys with their jaws on the ground. I'm not ashamed to admit that for the first time I was just as drunk with feminin power as they were goggy with masculine desire. God really did a number on them when "he" decided that blood can only travel to one head at a time. So basically, I turned around and nobody in the room could breath comfortably. Truth be told though, I wouldn't have felt drunk with power if they hadn't been giving me all the attention, so men and women have balanced the power scales a bit there. Their power being attention and mine (apparently) being something with which to be interesting enough to hold that attention (aka tits). It makes for a fun night out occasionally, but I think it would get pretty old pretty fast to try and maintain such an illusion. Besides, as much as the work your ass off to scrape a living type of life doesn't sound the least bit appealing, neither does being so taken care of that all there is left are, for lack of a better term, distractions. How many tea parties, bridge games, committee meetings and whatever else can one do with one's time before they feel like a chit?

Like a lot of people, when I'm sick, I wish to be taken care of. When I'm frightened I wish to have a comforting arm around me. It's not that I want a "sensitive" man in my life, it's that I don't want someone who's insensitive. As much as I would like to not worry about the big elephant sitting in the living room (rent, how to pay for it and everything else my children and I need for the rest of our lives), I don't think I could ever settle to being taken care of like a child (or a trophy wife/gold digger) for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who ever wonders about these things. With all these stories of White Knights, Cowboys, and other "rescuers", where can long term reality co-exsist and where is it forever separate?
Sure Eve got them kicked out of the garden for doing a con job on Adam by getting him to eat the apple, but what did she do to get him to eat it? And would the garden be all that great a place to be if they didn't eat the apple? ....no worries.... two grown adults being taken care of like children forever and ever and ever and....

When you look at a person, do you see their potential to make you feel happy, secure, free or do you look at them for what/who they are as an expression of human life? When you look at a rainbow, do you see wonder and pretty colors or are you too busy calculating where the pot of gold might be? God knows, I could sure use a pot of gold, unfortunately, I never can stop looking at the rainbows long enough to figure out where it is.

(*first draft. I'll do spell check etc later. Right now I got to feed babies)

Survey Says.....

Another collosal waste of time which I truely enjoy are these silly little surveys. Here are just a few. Feel free to waste time like this and share your answers with me.

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

Your 2005 Song Is

Beverly Hills by Weezer "My automobile is a piece of crap My fashion sense is a little whack And my friends are just as screwy as me" You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky. You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it. In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return.

What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You?

You Are: 60% Dog, 40% Cat

You are a nice blend of cat and dog. You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful. And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.

Are You More Cat or Dog?

You Are Blitzen

Always in good spirits, you're the reindeer who loves to party down with Santa. Why You're Naughty: You're always blitzed on Christmas Eve, while flying! Why You're Nice: You mix up a mean eggnog martini.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Your Travel Profile:

You Are Very Well Traveled in the Southern United States (62%) You Are Well Traveled in the Western United States (53%) You Are Well Traveled in the Midwestern United States (50%) You Are Somewhat Well Traveled in the United Kingdom (25%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Southern Europe (20%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Western Europe (14%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in the Northeastern United States (14%) You Are Untraveled in Africa (0%) You Are Untraveled in Asia (0%) You Are Untraveled in Australia (0%) You Are Untraveled in Canada (0%) You Are Untraveled in Eastern Europe (0%) You Are Untraveled in Latin America (0%) You Are Untraveled in New Zealand (0%) You Are Untraveled in Scandinavia (0%) You Are Untraveled in the Middle East (0%)

How Well Traveled Are You?

What Your Underwear Says About You

You're a total rebel who doesn't conform to any rules. P.S. - It's a jungle down there! You're also way too lazy to do your laundry more than a few times a year.

The Underwear Oracle

You Are 66% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

You Are the Very Gay Peppermint Patty!

Softball is the huge tipoff here... As well as a "best friend" who loves to call her "sir"

What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?

Your Power Level is: 73%

You're a very powerful person, and you know that all of your power comes from within. Keep on doing what you're doing, and you'll reach your goals.

How Powerful Are You?

You Are 70% "Average American"

You are average because you drink on occasion. You are not average since you do make New Year's resolutions.

How "Average American" Are You?

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Wow, it's like they have a hidden camera in my mind!

You Are 73% Grown Up, 27% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature. Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

Ha, told you so!!

You Are 30% Boyish and 70% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Inner Child Is Angry

You're not an angry person. But when you don't get your way, watch out. Like a very manipulative kid, you will get what you want. Even if it takes a little kicking and screaming.

How Is Your Inner Child?

These quizes are so fing fake!

You Are a Kinetic Learner

You learn best by doing, and you have a talent for complicated, physical tasks. You excel at athletics, drama, and fixing things. You would be an excellent Olympic athlete - or a Broadway star!

What's Your Learning Style?

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me." You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention. The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt. You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

Huh. Maybe that's why my mom used to always say "just us chickens"

You Are 48% Addicted to Myspace

Your Myspace addiction factor is: Moderate You're slowly building a very strong addiction to Myspace. Get out while you still can!

Are You Addicted to Myspace?

"...and on that note, we que the music..."