Moods

Right now I'm listening to a mix on Windows Media Player of Evanescence, HIM and Linkin Park and it's so loud in my head set I'll be very surprised if I can hear anything ever again. Right now it's "Bring Me To Life" the last song was "Numb".... if this gives you any indication. I've never been very good at writing while listening to music. In fact, I've never been good at doing much of anything while listening to music because I end up getting distracted by the words in the song. Some people seem to turn on music for background noise, I never understood this. Totally incomprihesible to me. Already, three songs have passed and I've barely written anything.... it's all consuming. I think one of my favorite things to do is to put on "driving" music. You know, music that almost seems to push the speed up all by itself regardless of driving conditions. The sterio cranked up so loud that you can't hear your own voice even though you're screaming along to the words.
Moods and/or states of mind seem so fickle and full of whim. It's almost as if my emotions are completely separate from me. As if my emotions were a separate person casually flicking through emotions like a guy with a remote control and 600 chanels of nothing on.
When I started this blog, I decided not to give the web address to my mom so I could feel free to write anything and not be thinking in the back of my head wether this would worry or embarrass her (too much). Then I got this new web site www.myspace.com/nrgxtc and to do anything cool, you need to know how to do HTML, which I don't. At least I didn't. I figured out how to put a web link inside the text, which to anyone who knows how to do HTML, they know it's small potatos. I, of course, was very pleased with myself. One of the saddest things in the world, according to me, is when you have done something very big and there is no one to show or share it with who would understand what a great achivement you have made. I called everyone I knew would and the only two people home were my brother in So Cal and my mom in Nor Cal. I blurted out my big secret and now she knows... cover blown. I guess that means no porn on Myspace... just kidding.
I'm so sorry, but the music is keeping me from holding any real thread:

"Beyond Redemption - HIM"

Oh I see you crawl you can barely walk

With arms wide open you keep on begging for more

I've been there before knocking on the same door

It's when hate turns to love and love to hate

Faith to doubt and doubt to faith

Now

Feel it turning your heart into stone

Feel it piercing your courageous soul

Beyond now - redemption

No one's gonna catch you when you fall

Anyway, my mood has been bouncing all over the place this last week. I made another sale, Happy. Started myspace, happy. Couldn't figure out HTML, frustrated. Figured out something small and simple, ecstatic. Told my mom, Doh! Meeting new friends online, cool. Not meeting anyone in real reality, bummed. Have an appointment with a new client tomorrow, nervous. Obsessing about my non relationship, stupid.... and that's just Monday and Tuesday.

Back in the day when I was a moody teenager, I discovered RSI (Religious Science International at http://rsintl.org/ if you're curious) I was taught tools to help. One of them was comming up with a healthy montra to replace the moter mind that rambles endlessly like unfocused uncontrolable back ground noise. Don't laugh, mine became "You're so cool" a quote from the movie "True Romance" (the title of the movie comes from the lead male killing the lead female's pimp in the begining of the movie, so it's not for the faint of heart). What shocked me was when people started saying it out loud back to me at the most random times. "You're so cool". I mean, I never told anyone my montra, I never wrote it down, I just said it over and over and over and.... inside my head.

I haven't said my montra for years, I mean, I'm all grown up now, not some confused teenager. When do we ever grow up? I understand we lose some of our child like naiveness, but when do we become a "grown up"? I have responsibility. I have my own place a two hour drive from my parents house. I pay bills. I sort of have a job. I wash my own dishes/clothes. For some reason, I still feel like I'm 16 or 17 most of the time. I still worry about boys, friends, what I can and can't do, what I have to do.... sure it's not home work or curfew, but it's like.... same shit, different day. When does this feeling stop and become something else? Something more together, more grown up? I found myself walking down the highway into town chanting "You're so cool". After about a mile, it dawned on me I was doing it and I couldn't help wonder were it came from.

"You're so cool...You're so cool... You're so cool... You're so cool..."

"By Myself - Linkin Park"

What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?

And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

Do I sit here and try to stand it?

Or do I try to catch them red-handed?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin

I make the right moves but I'm lost within

I put on my daily facade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

By myself [myself][x2]

I ask why, but in my mindI find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus:]

I can’t hold on

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

It’s all too much to take inI can’t hold on

To anything watching everything spin

With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I

Turn my back I’m defenseless

And to go blindly seems senseless

If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll

Take from me ‘till everything is gone

If I let them go I’ll be outdone

But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun

If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer

by myself [myself][x2]

I ask why, but in my mindI find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus]

How do you think I’ve lost so much

I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch

How do you expect...

I will know what to do

When all I know

Is what you tell me to[x2]

Don’t you knowI can’t tell you how to make it go

No matter what I do,

how hard I tryI can’t seem to convince myself whyI’m stuck on the outside

[Chorus x2]

Definition of Insanity

insanity as defined by Dictionary.com:

1. Persistent mental disorder or derangement. No longer in scientific use.

2. a. Extreme foolishness; folly.
b. Something that is extremely foolish.

Synonyms: insanity, lunacy, madness, mania

I read a quote somewhere that the actual definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again each time expecting different results. I'm not sure what it is with me and my choice of men, but I definitely think it falls somewhere in the definition of insanity. At least I have luck in picking decent guys, mostly even good guys, but not relationship guys. I don't know why I'm so down about it, I mean Jesus didn't have a girlfriend officially, he seemed like a good guy, so why is my brain making such a big deal? So what if I'm deemed to roam the earth officially single? It's what Jesus did and I don't even pay attention to that guy!
You know the point in an acquaintance type relationship when you do more things that make the other person unhappy than happy? Today I came to this realization. Wouldn't that mean it's time to move on to the next number on your post, whoever that is to be? Hopefully this time I won't go insane over it though.
Wish me luck!

If You're Happy In Your Crap...

...Clap your hands...
One of my favorite fables is the fable of the arrogant Sparrow. As the story goes, there was this one young hotshot sparrow who decided if he didn't migrate south for the winter with everyone else, he would have the whole place to himself with out anyone to boss him around. So everyone else migrated except him and of course, at first it was awesome! This sparrow ruled the roost and had everything to himself. Then winter came. The first snow was beginning to fall and the sparrow thought to himself, "maybe I'll migrate just a little south, you know, just to get out of this storm." But it was too late. As the arrogant Sparrow attempted to fly south, snow and ice collected on his wings, he began to freeze and ended up plummeting to the snow covered earth below. As luck would have it, the arrogant Sparrow had fallen in a snow drift which was located directly in the path of a dairy farm's dairy cows who happened to be on their way to the barn for their afternoon milking. And, as luck would have it, just as the arrogant Sparrow was thinking the snow would take him and this would surely be the end for him, one of those dairy cows crapped directly on him. At first, the arrogant Sparrow thought, "oh great, as if things weren't bad enough!" but then the arrogant Sparrow began to feel his whole body be warmed and thawed by the steaming pile of cow crap. The little sparrow couldn't believe his luck, he was going to live after all, hurray!! And the little sparrow began to sing with joy pleased with his life and luck. But, as luck would have it, just as the little sparrow began to sing with joy, the barn yard cat happened by. At first the cat couldn't believe he was hearing a pile of cow crap singing like a bird and decided to investigate further. As the barn yard cat dug through the cow crap, sure enough, there was a delicious warm sparrow in it, so the the barn yard cat reached in, grabbed the sparrow and ate it. THE END

Now fables always have morals at the end of the story. This one has three.
Moral One: Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy
Moral Two: Not everyone who pulls you out of your crap is your friend
Moral Three: If you're happy in your own crap, SHUT THE HELL UP!!

Unfortunately, I have no idea where this story comes from. A very good friend told it to me when I was in High School whining about my poor upper middle class, suburban white girl problems. Apparently, she was trying to tell me something. Time to listen to The Cure?
(Just Joking)
So without going into too much detail, this whole quitting smoking thing is really hard on me but at least I'm still trying.

...if you're happy and you know it then your heart will surely show it, if you're happy in your own crap, clap your hands, (clap, clap)....

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!!

I have no idea why I chose that title. It just seemed appropriate some how. I made another big sale today so I'm feeling pretty happy, maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know. I've been picking quotes out of this quote book called "Quotable Women". My favorite one so far is a quote by Mignon McLaughin "Our Strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show." I don't know how that fits into today's title either, I guess I'm feeling really random or ungrounded today, whatever. The corn I planted a few months ago didn't mature correctly so no corn for me. My pumpkins aren't doing well either. My sunflowers were doing great but it's been so windy 'round here lately that most of my sunflowers have blown over. It's clearly fall here too. Something I'm not used to. It's been in the high 30's/low 40's at night and around 80 during the day. Maybe the reason I'm feeling a little off is because I haven't had a cigarette in a few hours. I ran out and I don't want to drive for a hour in the dark to go get more. It's not like this is a conscience effort to quit, it's just that I'm out of them and I'm starting to almost get the shakes thinking about it. Times like this I wonder why I even started in the first place, why would anyone smoke? I wrote a poem about smoking my senior year. Back then, I hadn't started smoking cigarettes yet, I was just occationally smoking cloves.
Take a drag
hold it in
see the room
start to spin

Head rush
power hit
lungs burn
what a trip

Killing yourself
slowly dying
catch yourself
self denying

I'm not hooked
is what you say
take a drag
you're blown away

I have quit smoking in the past. I quit for just under a year. When I first quit, a smoker friend of mine pointed out the simple fact of cigarette addiction and the truth about quitting.... you never know if you have truly quit smoking forever until you die and you didn't have another one. Which in a way is kinda true. Like myself, who has quit about 5 times total, most of the people I know or have known who tried to quit, did so several times in their life time. You just never know which time will be the last time you quit. My dad's dad died from lung cancer due to smoking. It was horrible to watch. And yet this great rationalization computer I call my brain, just keeps justifying the addiction. Maybe I will quit. Lord knows I could stand to save the over $1,3oo a year I spend feeding my addiction, not to mention my own life. They say if you can make it past the first three days you're home free. My experience says the first week is nearly impossible and the first month is torture. Basically I end up feeling like the chimpanzee in the movie "Project X" for at least the first 30 days. Then I end up feeling like your basic American house wife saying "no" to desert when she's feeling guilty about putting on a few pounds. Then somewhere around month 6,7 or 8, I'm tricked into feeling "normal". And so far, sometime around then, something hits the fan and I don't care about it anymore and start smoking again. Last time, my fiance dumped me. Of course the biggest down side to quitting right now is that this guy I've been seeing the past month has been bugging me to quit, if I quit right now, he might think he has something to do with it, when I've simply run out.